It’s true, when I first started to lose weight, I didn’t think about the negative side, such as the lose skin and the body dysmorphia. It didn’t even cross my mind. Only the positives such as heart health and losing lbs, and the excitement of buying a size 8 in jeans rather than a size 28 (my biggest non scale victory to date). It’s easy to be positive when you have goals to celebrate. Losing the lbs quickly, week after week gave me such a buzz and kept the determination and drive up. But what happens when you don’t have any goals left to hit, or maybe the goals are bigger so they take longer to reach? This is something I have been learning to manage ever since I stopped actually dropping weight which was around 9 months of starting my journey. That’s when it got really tough. . . That’s when the determination and will power really needed to kick in.
I had to shift my focus from losing, to maintaining and building muscle, this has been the biggest challenge of all for me. It’s one thing to drop the weight, but it’s the keeping it off that really requires hard work and discipline, without turning into a gym obsessed, calorie counting bore. There is a fine line, and discovering where that invisible line is can be a tricky one.
Well, I have been finding that line for a while now, and you know what the best thing to do is? NOT FREAK OUT! After 3 years of this journey, not stressing and overthinking things is the answer. Easier said than done, trust me, I know. It’s very easy to get obsessed as I’ve already discussed in previous posts, but the key is relaxing into it. The fear of becoming what I was again overtook any other goals, and I was on a slippery slope as you guys all know. But guess what, I have learned to relax a little into this, and I haven’t put on weight. In fact, I recently weighed myself for the first time in months, and I’ve actually dropped body fat and gained muscle mass. I’ve maintained so well, and I’m happy with that. Living a happy and healthy life is more important than living a life ruled by the gym and calorie counting in my opinion. Other things come first, if I have to miss a workout due to a busy schedule then so be it. I still enjoy my late night running when time is not on my side, but I enjoy that, it’s not something I have to summon up the energy and make myself do.
So I guess, if I could go back and change anything, it would be to relax more. I kick myself now for allowing an eating disorder to creep in. My mind feels stronger now than it ever has at 3 years in. I almost can’t believe that girl was me. I have come so far from the withdrawn, exhausted, energy lacking woman I was. I feel like I tackled it primarily on my own. That was my choice – I felt embarrassed to talk about it. But now I have opened up to more people and talking about it isn’t so hard. It’s one thing telling a therapist, but it’s a totally different ball game when it comes to telling friends and family. I feel like being open and honest about this with others helps the healing process, it also helps prevent me from taking steps back. Moving forward is what I want to keep doing and my body is definitely relieved by this.
I’m grateful for the support I have had and without some key people in my life, this would have been so much harder. I’m lucky I have some very strong people around me that I have leaned on when I needed strength. I am so grateful to them for providing me with the extra strength when I needed it and I’ll never forget that.
So thanks for the love, the encouragement and the support.
Big love from a very happy and content MarliHan.